Feeling lost

I know I have lots of support from friends and love ones so I shouldn't feel this way, but sorry I can't help it.

I have trouble sleeping well every night, it's not that I don't feel tired but I can't seem to convince my mind to rest with me. When the light is out, I close my eyes and all sorts of images and thoughts flying around in my mind. Seeing my honey sleeping so deep like a baby makes my heart ache even more. I know his job is not easy as well but because of me he has to hang in there as long as he could. I know his work is stressful and crazy working hours make him so exhausted every night when he gets home. All I could do is to make him dinner no matter how late he's coming home. I don't know how long this situation is going to last, I hate this uncertainty in my life. I hate this negative energy arounds me. I hate things are out of my control. I hate there's not much I could do. I hate being miserable. I hate...

I'm always the positive one in this relationship but this time I have to admit that I lost it. I feel weak. I've never felt this way in my life, I can't say that I have no obstacle in life but I never worry too much about that coz somehow I know I can get through that. This time I can't really say 'I'll be fine!' coz I'm not sure. It's like a black hole which I can't see the end of it. I feel like I'm not myself anymore, I have no direction and don't know what's to hope for. Nothing can get me excited these days but I've been trying hard to hide my feelings from others. I only cry when I'm alone.

This is not me!

I was telling a dear friend that although I'm happy that I started to write again but I could feel that something is missing. My mind is clouded with negative thoughts and I lost the touch. It's kinda sad really coz I love to write. I can't lose the only thing I still enjoy right now.

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